penultimate tappings

It's some hour of the early morning and after realising my lack of a January blog, I seek to rectify things with this: a January blog...

So...I guess that's another Christmas wrapped up, another New Year stumbled over and most of January behind us. It's my last few weeks in Germany and things are different I think. My German is better and worse in places, with my general awareness and understanding improved, but my confidence in speech shaken. I am not sure why. I can hear it and read it and it's great, but I could do with a bit more time actually saying sentences. It's probably to do with a lack of necessity, brought on by my mostly English-speaking friends. Perhaps I should have had a German flatmate. 

   Regrettably, I can do nothing about it now. Oh, powerlessness: how often we meet. 

No, enough of this. I shall not be self-pitying. I shall not. January is for fresh starts and a fresh start I shall have. Fourth year will be great and in my penultimate weeks of my penultimate year I shall embrace whatever ridiculous tasks come before me, and do them with more fervour than I have ever previously employed. Ah crap. Employment. Now she is something I really need to get my head round. I haven't had many jobs, they have never lasted very long and only one have I truly enjoyed. I don't understand it. I think I just struggle with things I can't see a direct benefit to: something immediately pleasant or immediately useful. My inability to fake interest. That's the ticket! In interviews, I physically cannot fake interest! And of course most employers are looking for passion and motivation...which I can regularly lack for positions I am uninterested in. Then there's my moderate self-confidence coupled with general self-motivation difficulties making the whole package startlingly inefficient.

That's at least what I was like last year. Have I changed? Have I found the motivation from somewhere? Have I the self-confidence now? 

I'll try it out. See what happens. It's fresh start time after all.

Peace.

romance;

a wonder. It's a real wonder. It's spilling all over this twinkling town and filling us all up. This Christmas, romance is on tap and we're drinking by the barrel. The nights are long, the food is warm, the alcohol is putting colour in our cheeks and we're close. People are squishing and shuffling and sneezing, soaking up the season in all its red, green and golden glory. The smell of the meats and honey and sweet Gluehwein gets us in the just in the right mood; a disorientated, yet primitively familiar one, that makes us do things.

We want the warmth of those we love and care about more than normal and are more generous, not only with gifts, but our extraordinarily jovial characters bring us closer. 

I never feel that bothered about being single, but there's something about Christmas that kind of makes me think it would be nice to have someone else there. I'm staring at people on trams, wondering if they could have been my future husband, but the anti-social atmosphere has cock-blocked our everlasting love. Not cool. 

This Christmas will be good, just to be home with my family and see my friends. This first half of the year abroad has been exceptional, but it'll be nice to go back to the nest for a bit. I'm sure the romantic image I have of it (my mother making me food, my sister doing whatever it is she does, my dog giving me a cuddle, my cat doing figure-8s round my ankles, my friends getting drunk) will wear off as soon as my mother starts enquiring my where and when-abouts every five minutes and the snow stops me from going back to Freiburg, but until then, I shall merrily fantasise. 

Merry Christmas, chums.

far too far in

In two days, it will have been two months. It's alright, I'm alright. I'm just haunted a little bit. I've been listening to a song over and over today and it's fitting the feelings in the pit of my stomach. It's lethargic and cathartic and full. In my head I can see a wood at twilight and people sitting round a camp fire humming and beating drums. I feel this trance in my stomach and it is staying there the whole night.
Germany is wonderful, really. It has so much to offer and meets most of my needs. (I still miss proper sandwiches). I am just having a blip. It's a necessary blip though, I reckon. It's been like fireworks these past few weeks, and now it's time for the bonfire to set in, generously accompanied by good people and impassioned music. I am going to accept the bonfire as she quietly blazes, and I'll struggle to sleep, but will not do anything about it.
In two days, it will have been two months. I'm alright, I'm just a little bit on fire.